I can't raise my hand. I'm allergic to effort.

Magazines are sooo heavy. Especially the ones with pictures of fat people.

Can't sleep? Count sheepskin boots.

Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house, I was shuffling around chain smoking and trying on different shoes.

War -- what is it good for? Cute uniforms.

She's a rock star of David.

It's freezing cold under all these layers.

Sing along! Actually no, just find my phone.

Start the morning with a gallon of joe.

It's always the bodyguard you least suspect.

I fought the law and the law was a jerk face.

Mary-Kate deals with life in the slammer.

Mary-Kate and Bodyguard may have effed up and effed.

Mary-Kate sabotages Professor in front of the school board.

First one to fall asleep gets a hand in warm Pellegrino.

Take once per day with a picture of food.

Mary-Kate's cat meows out against drugs.

Mary-Kate challenges Bodyguard to some 1am Pictionary.

The Oscar creeper sabotages Mary-Kate and Sarkozy's date.

Who wants daiquiris??? #nofilter

Mary-Kate writes her teacher evaluations, and Fat Professor forms a rebuttal.